Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
The government even made aliens boring
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Shower sex be like:
My ID expired so I can only go to the liquor store where they remember me: the one where I asked the cashier out and threw up on the floor.
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
My husband is out of town, but the cupboard doors are still open, so now I have to face some cold hard truths about myself
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
HER: NNNNNNNN
ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]
HER: ZZZZZZZZ
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
other job applicant: good luck
me: im gonna tell the boss you hate his hair
other job applicant: what
me loudly: I actually like his haircut
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
tinder girl: are you just copy and pasting your responses to other women?
me: lol you’re hilarious. i didn’t grow up in the area but love the music scene out here haha
Guy: What do you do?
Me: I tell jokes on Twitter
G:No, I mean, what do you do to support yourself?
Me: I tell myself that they’re good jokes
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
puting flowers in my hair to accentuate my dirt like quality
That clothes store that catered to old people 20 years ago is suddenly catering to me now. Wild.
Doctor: Exactly how long have you been incontinent
Me: *pooping my pants* I’ve actually never left North America doc