Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
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MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT
Find yourself a partner who’ll sneak out of bathroom windows with you at holiday parties.
Damn girl are you a bag of sunflower seeds? Cause I wanna spend a bunch of money, work really hard and not be completely satisfied
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
When I die, I hope people react the way my kids do when the iPad freezes.
Made it to the level of old where I turned down a beer so it wouldn’t mess with the aftertaste of the milkshake I just had.
No one is reading any of these tweets. Feel free to unburden yourself. I murdered a drifter once. Wow. That feels great. Now you.
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
Guy: [pulls out knife]
Me: But I’m allergic to stainless steel
Guy: [stabs me]
Me: Noooo I’ll get a rash
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
I’m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn’t incorporated into more American Holidays.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
“You always overreact and make things dramatic. It’s really annoying.”
*raises megaphone to lips*
How so?
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
I’m pretty sure 2020 came fresh from the Pet Sematary
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.