Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
You Might Also Like
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Jaws (1975): A shark is murdered on his vacation.
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.
Oh, your kids sit down and eat dinner? That’s cool. Mine perform interpretive dance in the kitchen while their food gets cold.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
I’d love this…lol
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
what idiot named them vampires instead of hemogoblins. pretend it’s ten years ago. enjoy yourself
Always a metermaid never a meter
twitter is cool because sometimes your random thoughts resonate with thousands of stupid losers
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
[Hell]
Demon: We will punish you for your gluttony!Me: Neato! I’m a glutton for punishment
Demon: … *quietly into walkie-talkie* could I get a supervisor over here
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Why’s this 66 year old fridge better than the one I got now
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
POLICE CHIEF: We need you to go deep undercover.
ME: How deep?
CHIEF: VERY deep.[Later, lying on a blanket, looking at the stars]
ME: *Turns to mob boss* What do you think God is?
black phone good
PARKOUR
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*