Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
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Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If I close my eyes while my 3 year old pours her cereal I can hear the relaxing sound of thousands of Cheerios raining on the floor.
*Listening to red hot chili peppers*
Me: You call that music? I can’t even hear anything!
Worker: Sir, stop putting produce to your ear.
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Aether is both a noun and a verb.
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Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
End any unnecessary conversations by saying ‘Activate Plan B’ into your pretend shoulder radio.
you stereotypes are all alike
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
instead of being constantly irritated by other people’s flaws i’ve decided to become more self-absorbed
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”
Just overheard someone say “it’s Friday somewhere” lmao. Like… it’s just… not.
“Unprecedented times” at this point would be if something nice happened like we all got a coupon for a free sandwich
Advice for life:
1. Be kind.
2. Be brave.
3. Make sure your garage door is all the way up before backing out.
ME: *goes on mute after giving update on a conference call*
MY 4 Y/O: [standing behind me baffled] daddy, what does any of that even mean?
ME: i don’t know, girl. i don’t know
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.