Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
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A girl started to drink barbecue sauce like it was water and I just stood there and watched because I haven’t been trained for this
I’d hang this in my house.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
GOD: (creates earth) hell yea lizard planet!
WINDOWS™: restart planet for important updates
GOD: um ok
*dinos die, man appears*
GOD: wtf
Kids don’t care what their parents do or have done in life. I could cure cancer and my kids would be like LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT MINECRAFT, PEASANT
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
WATSON: we found one set of footprints in the driveway
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe]: so God was carrying the suspect
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
We’re all eagerly waiting for that one opportunity, e-mail, or moment to positively change our lives, but text message scams really need to step up their game. No one offering anything of actual value would start a message by saying “CITIZEN! YOU HAVE BEEN SELECTED.”
I love giving my roomba a little spoonfull of peanut butter and watching it work so hard it’s the cutest
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
Historians: so we’re gonna name this war the 80 years war
Me: so that means it lasted 80 years right
Historians: you FOOL. you utter buffoon. You ignorant being
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
When I die, I want people to think back lovingly about me and say “oh, I thought she was already dead”
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
On average I spend about 25 minutes at Walmart …. and another 2 hours in the parking lot looking for my car.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”