sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
I can’t wait until Twitter gives you the option to block yourself. I say some real dumb shit on here and I shouldn’t have to deal with it.
When I see a door with the sign ‘Door Alarmed’ I always tell the door “don’t worry, it’s only me”
~ It’s all about the empathy.
An app that makes your phone ring whenever someone asks “so what’s next for you”
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
Once, I got pulled over because a cop thought my car was on fire but really it was just my hair flying out the sunroof.
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you
the audacity of someone being in the store aisle i want to go down.
A romcom where I go to stop you at the airport, except I go to Cinnabon & then forget why I’m at the airport.
i’m taking care of a guys owl next week and he just sent me this list of rules. what the hell
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
sin harder.
It’s almost 2020 and we still haven’t made a smoke detector that can tell the difference between an Indian cooking and an apartment on fire.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
back-to-school photos but for parents showing how happy we are
Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?
Cop2: should we go help?
Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.
This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”
If I lost a leg in an accident the worst part would be never being able to flush a public toilet again
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
Is it rude to throw breath mints in someones mouth while they’re talking?
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.