sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: *Looks around scared* Can…can you not see any of them?
If you ring my doorbell on election night and ask for candy you WILL get it.
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
Got kicked out of the flat earth bar for offering to buy everyone a round.
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
Would you wear it?
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
How to dress when you are a woman over forty:
1. Be a woman over forty
2. Put your clothes on
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
*people on Wheel of Fortune
“I enjoy skiing & doing crosswords”It’s never
“I like hamburgers & threesomes”
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Time machine jokes are offensive to me. A time machine killed my great-great-grandson.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
So Mother Theresa puts a dish towel on her head and she’s a “saint” but when I put a dish towel on MY head I’m “drunk in the kitchen again?”
A Post-It note on every wine bottle at home that just says DON’T CUT YOUR HAIR AGAIN THAT WAS BAD
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
[gf falls asleep during a movie]
ME: aw
[i get a blanket]
ME: *hitting her w/ the blanket* wake up ur missing the part with gollum’s riddles
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?