sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Cupcakes are for people who don’t have the dedication and stamina to eat a whole cake!
Losers.
me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year
5:
me:
5: my brother lets me play with his
Me: Would you like to go out for coffee sometime?
Her: I’d love that!
Me: Great, we need milk and eggs too. See you after while
Double negatives are never not confusing.
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
[reincarnated as a giant squid at the bottom of the ocean] i did something right
OnlyAcquaintances: you pay me $5 a month so i can message you “hey lets get coffee soon!” and we never get coffee
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘idk how to hold a pencil.
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
There was a pretty girl in the produce section so to impress her I bought a mango
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
[before Toto]
Rain down in Africa: *sneezes*
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I blame movies for giving me unrealistic expectations about how long I can look away from the road while driving.
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.