sweetie, she doesn’t mean anything to me. please look at me
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BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Science Fact: If you see it later, it was an alligator. If you see it after a while, it was a crocodile.
*1st date*
[be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
so where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
I ate a cliff bar before bed, now I can’t stop dreaming about hiking
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
Just purchased one of those wigs that lawyers in England wear to put on when I have an argument with my wife.
ME: do you have a USB wire thingy so I can charge while driving my Honda?
BEST BUY EMPLOYEE: a cord?
ME: no, it’s a Civic
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
Damn girl, if you was a fruit you’d be a fineapple, if you was a vegetable, I would visit you in the hospital as often as I could.
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
My neighbours say I should travel more, and further away, for longer
It was thirty seconds til daybreak
I waited patiently
And then it dawned on me
There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
buying a used car and telling people it’s a rescue
I didn’t eat the side of fries bc they were soggy, room temperature and not bringing any joy. So yeah I’m on the Marie Kondo diet now.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
Grocery stores don’t change layouts to piss off the customers, they do it to piss off their employees. Trust me.
if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?
✌🏽
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Today I lost a push-ups competition to my 4 year-old son. He did 2 push-ups and its not important how many i could or couldn’t do because its all about having fun and him helping me off the ground