sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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A shoemaker called yesterday and yelled at me because I hadn’t picked up the boots he repaired. It’s been one week. He said they’ve been there since October. (They haven’t.) I said, “WHY ARE YOU YELLING AT ME?” He said he yelled at all his customers.
My office manager emailed all 400 employees to inform us that our new paper towel dispensers AREN’T automatic.
The human race is doomed.
You can’t screech away angrily from the curb in a Prius.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
Rose: [in Titanic] I’ll never let go, Jack
Jack: 🥶
Elsa from Frozen: lol know what would be funny right now
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
When I was a kid my family was so poor my parents were forced to give my imaginary friend up for adoption.
I said ‘wake me up with just your mouth’ and she’s not stopped yelling until after I jumped out of the bed.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Boss: I’m going to have to fire you. It’s the way you misread EVERY situation somehow.
Me: *holding maracas* Wait, THAT’S why you asked me in here?!
[in conference room]
Coworker: What time is it?
Me: Time to get a watch, Carl *moonwalks out of room*
Whenever I get up my cat gets up too and then yells at me like it’s my fault she decided we have to do this together
*makes sandwich*
*sits down to eat it*
*sees dog staring at me*
*rips off small piece*
*gives her the rest*
Me: while you’re up there let’s do a Spider-Man kiss
My dental hygienist: still no
—Never bring a knife to a gun fight.
—I have to bring a gift to this thing? I barely know these people.
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
SHAME ON YOU LOT for showing newby tweeters bad behaviour this weekend
*ring ring*
ME: Hello
FRIEND: Nat. Why is my son saying the F Word?
If you’re creepy and you know it ~~~> buy a van
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I don’t really ever worry about being kidnapped because my 6yo would just find me and ask for a snack.
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK