sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
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My parents have been together for 40 years, and I don’t even like seeing the same cashier twice in a row at the grocery store.
You should be able to mute someone in real life. Annoying coworker? Silence them for 24 hours by booping them on the nose!
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
Awwwww shit.
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Hey Febreze, I don’t go around with garbage in my car, but if nobody could tell I just smoked a joint in there, I might buy some.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
Cashier: do you need bags?
Me: do any of us NEED anything?
Cashier: sir, I have a liberal arts degree too
Me: plastic please
SHOUT OUT TO ALL THE PREGNANT LADIES GETTING READY FOR THE BIG WEEKEND COMING UP !!!
#labordayweekend
It’s only 9am, & I’ve already ruined my son’s entire life by giving him the banana with the brown spot on it.
That’s *exactly* what Meghan Markle would say.
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I’m so glad that I took my son to basketball practice last night because I discovered how subpar my trash talking game really is.
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
I’m gonna be a professional farmer when I grow up. I’ve been wanting to get in that field for years.
Boys will tell you “wow you sound like an Angel” and you’ll be blushing like werey. Instead of asking him when he don hear Angel voice before
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The masseuse asked if I wanted her to finish me, I said yes & then she ripped my spine out & said “Flawless Victory!”
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Drug commercial…Don’t take this medication if you are allergic to this medication.
Oh, ok. That’s super helpful, thank you.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
Banana boats are powered by bananas. Everyone knows this.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds