Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this

Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.

I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.

Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.

waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours

Instead of asking people to watch my laptop at a café, I just leave an open google search for “how to clean a yeast infection off a laptop”. Never been robbed yet. Still v single.

Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset

My neighbor was all like sorry I can’t stop to chat I’m running late. And I was all like it’s my lucky day. And she was like what. And I was all like have a great day!

My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.

[taking immortality pills]

wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand

*first day as a getaway driver*

Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?

So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed

Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.

Fun fact: A 10-minute walk in 93- degree weather lasts forever.

A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.

guy in the apt next door asked me if I’d be interested in pretending to be his gf for the next 2 days while his ex is in town, so my life is officially a sitcom

My sister forgot the words for “national anthem” and just suggested we learn the “Canadian Theme Song.”

My mom used a fire extinguisher on a portobello she was broiling for a sandwich that got too close to the flame. Took it out of the oven, but an hour later forgot about the fire, made the sandwich, ate it, panicked + called. The guy was laughing so hard he couldn’t answer her. 😂

As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now

Come back after dark. Bring your friends

She knows her part so well!

Having defeated the floor lamp, 4 plants & one “unbreakable” cat toy, my idiot cat has now waged war against my laundry.

The Battle of the Bra is in full swing.

Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

13: can I play video games?

ME: yep

WIFE: nope

ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice

Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.

*takes sip of coffee* ..wait

*snaps wife’s nighttime eye mask*

You up?

Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing