Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.

Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.

*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

Just so funny

There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.

Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.

there was this guy who used to bring his dates to the museum i worked at and EVERY TIME he would be talking about “i’ve never been here before haha can’t wait to see what it’s all about!”

When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.

I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.

me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby

“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.

*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?

I thought all the men at my gym were being exceptionally nice for a Monday morning but turns out my workout pants are just see-through.

Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.

the pigeons are already plenty salty

Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?

10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?

That burrito didn’t agree with me.

And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”

sigh

I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.

It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar

It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house

The difference is staggering

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

Cop: Know why I pulled you over?

Me: Yeah

Cop: Oh ok nevermind

Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.

(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.

Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board

when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”

the youtube algorithm is good because you’ll watch a video about hamburgers and for 6 weeks you’ll get recommended videos like Why Hamburgers Ain’t Liberal and Ted Cruz Destroys Libtard Eating Hamburger and Joe Rogan Describes Hamburgers On Astral Plane

Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone

The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive

[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.