Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes

I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time

[first day as a detective]

me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?

zz top: yes sir

me: and she knows how to use them?

zz top: that’s right

me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning

When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.

[divorce court]

her: he was unfaithful

him: thats a lie!

judge: do you have proof?

her: his Netflix said he watched episodes without me

him: judge, thats not being unfa-

judge: shut your cheating mouth!

I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.

Why proof read your tweets when you have plenty of people who’ll do it for free

TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.

Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes

[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*

Owls are just nocturnal pug birds

ew if literal: let me be clear

If vampires drink too much blood do they get a fangover *throws phone in a lake

Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo

I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.

Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.

He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.

My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it

Found this gold ring today in a garden… just to be safe I should go throw it in a fiery mountain. Gonna need 8 nerds to take a little walk with me, who’s in?

I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass

*playing Mortal Kombat*
Her: Can I try?
Me: Sure.
Her: Which one of them shoots that Handookie thingie?
Me: Hadouken?
Her: Yea.
Me: Leave.

Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions

My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..

Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”

I like telling car salesmen “Listen, we both know I’m not here to buy a car” and trying to figure out what it is they think I’m there to do

Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat

Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.