Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
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Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
No idea how I’ve managed to make it through life dealing with this constant affliction.
My family: Can you stop pointing at us when you say that.
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
Could you Christian rock singers please invest in a thesaurus. I think God is fully aware by now that you think he is “great” and “awesome.”
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
I hate it when I go to clean my daughters room & I emerge 3 hours later having just finished a delightful tea party with a giraffe & a pony.
“You have such a great personality”
Me: Thanks, I collect them.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
[job interview]
“Do you have any addictions or habits that we should know about?”
*takes long drag from cigarette*
Not that I’m aware of.
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
girls literally only want one thing..
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
“Here comes Paul. We better turn red, fast!”
– every stoplight
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars