Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

At Dunkin Donuts-

8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

him: *dying* avenge me

[later]

widow: ok who put him in the thor costume

Condom commercials shouldn’t make sex look fun, they should make parenting look terrible

[2045]

The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.

2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.

Why are there so many questions these days… you go to get money out the atm and its like 17 questions… just give me my money you damn nosy machine

Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.

My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.

ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?

DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow

ME: Can I shake hands with people?

DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them

ME: …

DOCTOR: …

ME: …

DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one

INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure

I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from

Can’t stop thinking about really disturbing things today, like what if they had called him Illinois Jones.

I’m so progressive, I lock the car doors when white people walk by.

The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse

You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?

Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.

is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?

[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u

Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?

Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies

“Just make sure Nazis NEVER march with tiki torches. I’m trying to save Germany, not Gilligan’s Island.” — Hitler’s last words

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh

I don’t know why these at-home workouts aren’t working yet, I watch like 6 of these videos a day

one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom

Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer

It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.

Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.