Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
![]()
You Might Also Like
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
if you prick your finger by accident and suck on it, you become your own blood brother & you have to take care of yourself no matter what
Jason Statham: I kicked the cap off a bottle once
Me: I kicked my shoe off once and it landed right next to the other one
Jason Statham: Hey we’re making another Expendables if you’re interested
Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
therapy dog: tell me your problems, sugar
![]()
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
If the first rule of fight club is not talking about fight club, how did fight club ever get off the ground?
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
![]()
How high are you when you try to change lanes during your spin class?
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Fastest way to occupy bored kids is to announce we are going to clean
Voila
Suddenly they all remember plans they’ve forgotten
Ah quiet
aaaaartichokes. you’re welcome.
![]()
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
Yesterday I was very irritated so I read some Shakespeare and today I am sorely vexed.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
I shake you awake. “An octopus can create human-like, virtual elbows when feeding. Go back to sleep. I’ll tell you the rest in the morning.”