Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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Bro,I seriously locked myself outta my jeep.
He was driving a top-less jeep with the windows down.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
I accidentally replied “worries” instead of no worries and it was the first honest email I’ve ever sent.
I live by what I like to call “the £30 rule” where if I know something will bring me joy, I will not hesitate to spend up to £30 on it. this rule has both drastically improved my life and also put me in severe financial distress
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
I have two selves:
One wants to be skinny and my jeans to fit. The other is a fat, hungry monster who would murder her own grandmother for a butterfinger.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Our tv was on with the volume a smidge louder than societal norms, my husband was watching a YouTube video on his phone at medium volume, I was watching a tiktok on my phone full blast and my daughter walks in and yells, “FOR THE LOVE OF GOD BUY HEADPHONES.”
No one heard her.
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Every one of my trophies might as well say “Best Trophy Thief.”
Why do they have the Met gala on a monday? the celebs probably have to come straight from from work
I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
[filling out job application]
Race: Barbarian
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
my roommate had a party last night and i asked one of the guys here what his job was and he said skateboarder
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]
Doctor: That pain in your side is nothing more than a strained oblique.
Me: A strained what now?
Doctor: Love handle. You pulled your love handle.
Cops said my blood alcohol level was above the legal limit which is crazy because I don’t even drink blood alcohol.
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Cat.
