Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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Since the first one was such a smash hit, why didn’t they ever make a Titanic 2?
ME: You see that guy with the half horse body standing in the middle of that crowd?
FRIEND: Ugh. Yes… Let me guess, they’re the *centaur* of attention?!
ME: No. He keeps shitting everywhere and no one says anything
At least 20 people, including 17 children, were killed when gunmen stormed an army-run school in Peshawar, Pakistan.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
People keep talking about the new Star Wars trailer. In my day, Star Wars had SPACESHIPS!
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
Was I outside watering plants when my food was getting delivered? Yes
Did I hide behind my house so the driver didn’t see me? Also yes
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?
wife: not like this
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
Frenchmen, still hiding inside The Statue of Liberty: soon.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I’ve been putting a scoop of sherbet on my neighbor Leslie’s car, every morning for six years. Today he shot me with an arrow.
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
My husband was telling a long, boring story and my 10 year old interrupted with, “Surprising. But you know what’s not surprising? How much money Matt saved by switching to Geico.”
Anyway, I’m in trouble for laughing too hard.
[first day as priest]
Me: Do you take this woman as your lawful wedded wife?
Him: She’s my daughter and this is her baptism.
Me: Mazel tov.
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Divorce math is ending the year 10lbs heavier but 180lbs lighter
Wife: Whatcha got there?
Me: Nothin’.
Wife: Why are there crumbs on your face?*holds out hands*
Me: I brought you a box of donut.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
Want guests to leave early? Don’t give them your WiFi password
You’re welcome
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.