Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I just know they’re trying to reach him about an extended warranty.
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
I was 16 when I first saw a dream-catcher, but back then everyone called them school careers advisors
A couple weeks ago I was introduced to Jason Momoa AS I WAS WALKING INTO THE GYM in case you’re wondering what every sad song on my next album will be about
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
how to talk to a woman wearing headphones:
1. be the artist she has currently chosen to listen to through her headphones
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
I often wondered what it’d be like to be married to an idiot.
I asked my wife and she said you get used to it after a while.
Scorpio: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
6yo: Teacher, are you married?
Me: No
6yo: Me either.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
VICTIM: He had a beard & a scar
SKETCH ARTIST: Is this him?
VICTIM: That’s Bart Simpson
SKETCH ARTIST: Yeah I can only draw a couple things
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.