Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
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Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
A laugh track, but for every time my boss says “I need this done today.”
Bartender: what’ll it be?
Me: *pouring water on dino egg* we don’t know yet
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
I’m never sure what to do with my hands while I’m holding up a convenience store.
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The best thing about going to my Parents at the weekend is my Mum’s meatloaf.
She can’t do the voice but she looks just like him.
This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
If she’s not ruining your life…..She’s just not that into you.
My wife went on a lot of roller coasters when she was pregnant with our daughter Katelyn, and you can tell 🙁
me: Pop the champagne
you: Yay! What are we celebrating?
me: what
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
*wife is out of town*
Do I dare leave the toilet seat up?
*looks around and shrugs*
Screw it. This is my house.
*falls into toilet at 3AM*