“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
I was brought up in the wild by hyenas.
Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
I love when I make people laugh so hard they spit out their water…
Or food…
Or baby…
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
The secret to a good marriage is that it’s all about give and take. Giving each other frequent back rubs and ordering lots of takeout
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
“Mom how do you say ‘thank you’ in Asian?”
-my friend’s kid, so loudly, at a sushi restaurant in Frankfurt
If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
It could be worse.
You could be coughing up someone else’s lung.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
i’m tired of the phrase “too bad” so from now on I’m saying “that’s cactuses” and if you don’t like it well that’s cactuses
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
“Goddamn you’re so well put together I can’t wait to take you apart” sounded way sexier and less serial-killery in my head
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
To the person that lost their iPhone 13 Pro Max at Costco… Please stop calling my new phone. Thanks
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
Just pulled into a DQ drive thru for a blizzard. Dude tells me they’re out or Reese’s. I say no problem not your fault. He dead ass goes “that’s where you’re wrong. I do the ordering and I’ve been slacking.” ☠️ 😂
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[At my front door, speaking to a detective in my robe]
Me : Can I have my robe back, please?
violence is never the answer unless you’re doing a crossword and it asks “behavior involving physical force” (8 letters)
I know I’m more literater than you because of my fancificacious vocabularianistic wordicisms.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.