“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
You Might Also Like
“Alexander’s not so Great” – younger brother, Steve the Ok
Lady t-rex: I’m tired tonight, take care of yourself.
Dude t-rex: 😑
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
I honestly thought driving this DeLorean would get me lots of hot women but it’s completely backfired *slaps my mother’s hand away*
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
How do you tell the gender of an ant?
Put it in water.
If it sinks, girl ant.
If it floats…
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Made something I’m not proud of
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
-Me: [Turns off the light, finally gets to sleep]
– Brain: Wait. Who the hell closes the bus door when the driver’s out?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Angry drunks make no sense to me, I can only get upset when I’m not drinking.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Intimidate your opponent by fielding a team of flying monkeys
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
Happy return of “yes of course it’s bedtime see how dark it is outside” to all parents who celebrate
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.