“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
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Anything can be for breakfast if you put the word breakfast in front of it. Breakfast Pizza, Breakfast Burger, Breakfast Burrito, Breakfast Martini.
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
Netflix and awkward silence?
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
I can always tell, after reading the first page, if a script has, at least, two pages.
shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
You spin me right round, baby, right round…
~ my Roomba at night probably
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
Being bitten by a radioactive spider made Peter Parker suddenly fluent in karate & gymnastics…you know, just like a real spider.
Some people have no respect. It’s obvious I’m on my phone trying to do something & this guys all “STEP OUT OF THE CAR WITH YOUR HANDS UP!”
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
I do my best speed walking when I’m trying to beat another customer to the checkout at the liquor store.
AC changed “dies slow death” to “does slow death” and that actually feels more on point
I like to keep a “wet paint” sign on my office door, so that no one wants to touch the door to come in.
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.