Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost

Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”

Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.

if you play guitar in a band, always make sure to look like it hurts to play

Christians will say, “I can’t wait to get to Heaven,” and then wear a seatbelt. Y’all pick a lane

The average parent burns 870 calories a year by shaking powdered cheese packets before opening them.

Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.

If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.

doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?

me: uhhh *looking around room* mop

doctor: it can be whatever you want

me: stegosaurus

doctor: hell yeah there we go

Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?

Priest: Absolutely not

Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.

First date – I’ll have an ice water and a lettuce wedge

Tenth date – I’ll have a large pizza, extra cheese. What do you want, honey?

one last job

Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.

I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.

I tend to trust people who reek of garlic.

Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?

Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.

Me: *being pulled from my smashed car by paramedics & put on a stretcher*

My mom: WAIT! *running up to the ambulance, out of breath* this never would’ve happened if you drank more water

It’s called an orgasHIM not an orgasHER

adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

You can create your own organic, totally biodegradable mask by walking face-first through a series of spider webs every morning.

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company

Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.

Nobody:

Neighbors: THEYRE ASLEEP LETS SET OFF ALL THE FIREWORKS

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.