Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?

COW: Was I speeding?

COP: No

COW: Is it because I’m a c–

COP: It’s because you’re a cow.

Pro tip: If you keep a glass of wine in each hand you can’t accidentally touch your face.

Whoever called it Thor 2 and not Keeping Up With The Asgardians is an idiot.

used the phrase “it’s actually a secret third thing” in response to a question from my dissertation committee yesterday and nobody laughed, rip

Found my cat’s phone, just hundreds of photos of me sleeping. Weird.

BREAKING: Apple reportedly prepping electric car.

Battery life is expected to be about an hour, with a 2 foot charging cable.

I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.

my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza

lab staff: what is ..peet-za?

my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating

Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.

My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.

*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!

‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans

paramedic: [performing mouth to mouth on grandpa]

me: oh god not at christmas!! not like this! [holds up mistletoe] ok carry on

turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me

If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.

Oh I’m heartbroken over you

Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine

“Notice the way he uses colors.”

“How??”

Interviewer: who are these people with you?

Me: My squad.

My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.

i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication

You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.

Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.

Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.

[mattress commercial]

husband: i like value

wife: but i want comfort

announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299

[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]

Waiter: “what can I get u?”

“do u have any eucalyptus?”

*restaurant goes quiet*

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.

“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times

“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers

[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled

ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.