Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

teen: we need to have a serious talk about my curfew

me: did I tell you I started a new diet today

teen: *laughs nervously* actually my curfew is fine, totally fine, fine fine

Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.

Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.

Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*

me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*

@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?

“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*

why is it that if you say your favorite food is “spaghetti” you sound like a three year old, but if you say some shit like “vermicelli” i’m like “woah this guy probably goes to the opera”

i want enemies

me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*

My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.

I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.

DON’T TELL ME THAT PLANTS MAKING THEIR OWN FOOD ISNT AMAZING. THATS LIKE YOU GOING TO TACO BELL BUT THE TACOS WERE INSIDE YOU THE WHOLE TIME

Why did Star Wars Episodes 4, 5 & 6 come out before 1,2 & 3?

Because in charge of directing, Yoda was.

When they try to steal your moment.

You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.

My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.

I didn’t think I had much in common with squirrels until I saw one risk his life for a crouton.

Interviewer: What makes you unique?

Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.

I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.

Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.

7: Are monsters real Mommy?

Me: Yes, they are. They’re in my office and they “reply all” on emails.

Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”

My oldest bra can smoke now.

A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together

Fluff me with a fork baby

Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.

For a gentleman, Shakespeare really knew how to spread those thy’s.

psycho uses a TON of central framing and its making me so mad because you just KNOW that alfred hitchc*ck was doing it for the sake of tik tok video clips

*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*

“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”

I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him

Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right

Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.