What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.
This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
Find a person who wants to do everything w you…
…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life
Him: omg you showered!
I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets
“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.