[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
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honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
Objects in the mirror may appear like you’ve been depressed and have eaten a lot the last 3 years.
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
stephen king’s mind:
what if dog…bad?
what if car…bad?
what if clown…bad?
what if hotel…bad?
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.
On a first date when we are sharing a dessert, I like to feed him. Using the airplane technique and noises.
Update: I’m Still single.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.