[swimming pool]

Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?

Lifeguard: that’s impossible

Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable

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What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.


That’s it. I’m printing my mom a hard copy of Urban Dictionary for Christmas this year.


This midlife crisis has a lot less bank heists and high speed car chases than I had imagined.


When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe


Find a person who wants to do everything w you…

…and fix them up w someone else. You don’t need someone that exhausting in your life


I can walk up to any dog, rub its butt and make a friend. That trick only works about half the time on people.


I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…

-I popped the question


I’d explain it to you again but I’m fresh out of crayons and puppets


“Why don’t you have kids yet?” is a great question, ma’am, but I’m saving that conversation for the right total stranger at this gym.