Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.

Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.

Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.

Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?

“You got any plans tonight?”

Me: Yeah, sorry I do

The plans:

(confronts Beck in line at Jamba Juice, holds up hurried sketch of Beyonce, aggressively does “Single Ladies” dance)

hey i noticed you’re not saying what i want

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.

“Jessica wasn’t usually dead. So when we found her dead we immediately knew something was wrong.”
-Investigation Discovery

*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus

I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

Good morning to everyone except those who haven’t had coffee yet.

ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.

JOHN: Dad, we know.

OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.

GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.

next time you hear The Boys Are Back In Town think of me, the unsung hero, who chases the boys out of town with a broom

Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat

Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

[Married Pillow Talk]

Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.

HI MOM. YOU’RE GONNA BE SO PROUD. I JUST WON AN ARGUMENT ON THE INTERNET. Sorry caps lock was still on from the argument. But I won.

wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy

good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me

got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim

Yesterday we got a puppy and my kids are so smitten that they’ve cut down their screen time enormously by 5%

[party]

friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike

piñata: *struggles against ropes*