[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
Kid: Mom! We’re out of snacks!
Me: Sucks for you…
Kid: What?
Me: Ok I’ll get more when I run to the store sweetie!
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
No longer performing, members of Dire Straits are now advising other bands.
They are consultants
They are consultants
They are con-sul-tants of swing
[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
what’s wrong, babe, you’ve hardly played your juitar
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Crashed my car reading a billboard that said “don’t text and drive”
Soccer has such a high risk of injury. The other day, at my son’s game, I crushed my finger folding up a camp chair.
Gemini: I pretty much know everything
Cancer: so how are u feeling right now
Gemini: not that
Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.
I don’t know how to be single. Today I saw a woman eating alone so I decided to sit next to her and introduce myself. She immediately started screaming at me like a crazy person and told me to get out of her car.
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*
*puts sriracha on a kangaroo*
HOT POCKET
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget