@DaddyJew IT:have you deleted your cookies?
Me:yea the chocolate ones. There may be some raisin ones left
IT:is there somebody else I could talk to?
@MarfSalvador [swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
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@DaddyJew 
@iLikeCatShirts I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
@envydatropic If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
@mrtruthandsoul Me: …. Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: …. Dog: … Me: … Dog: … Me: … Dog: have the shrooms kicked-in yet? Me: ..
@SamGrittner This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
@fro_vo Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
@sixfootcandy I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
@DanMentos “Bob’s coming over”
Bob from work or Bob who thinks he’s a cop?
*knock on door* OPEN UP, POLICE
*flushing drugs down toilet* “Bob from work”
@prufrockluvsong If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
@kimlockhartga Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.