[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
You Might Also Like
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”
I can still remember that one Memorial Day weekend when I had too much to drink and cooled off in my neighbor’s birdbath ten minutes ago.
Sure I could get off the couch & put new batteries in this remote but instead I am going to hold it high above my head & at different angles
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Talk to the patient about controlling their anger? There’s a bite taken out of my steering wheel I am the wrongest of candidates for this task
Husband: *singing pop song*
Tween: Mom, do something.
Me: *starts dancing*
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
How do I tell my husband I only like him as a friend without it getting weird
My teen was complaining he had no clean clothes so I asked him what he thought he should do: “Uh, go buy new clothes?”
Have kids. It’s fun.
“And what did you bring home this week?”
– Parents of sick kids during the 1st month of them going back to school
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Officer: Cause of death?
Me: Well it all started innocently..
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
Destroyed my psychologist on Yelp for calling me passive/aggressive.