[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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[Paranormal Investigator shows up at Disney World]
Ok, show me this so-called “haunted mansion”
I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
Someone asked me if I’d found my soulmate and I was like lol I cant even find my debit card.
That sure is a big fat burrito you got there, be a shame if someone snapped a pic just as you were about take a bite then photoshopped a baby over it.
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
ME: hello I’d like to return this body. it’s defective.
GOD: I’m sorry but your warranty has expired
What if there were a liquid that tasted like acidic, sour dirt?
– inventor of cranberry juice
A song called “Baby It’s Not *THAT* Cold Outside” where I’m just trying to get the lady to leave
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
1yo: Jesus Jesus Jesus!
Me: OMG are you saying Jesus!?
1yo: Jesus!
Me:Oh my God….
1yo: Jesus!
Me: she’s…. a prophet!
1yo: Jesus!!
Me: Show me! Where is Jesus!
1yo:*points* Jesus!!
Me: cheez-its??… cheez-its! You want cheez-its?
1yo: yes! Jesus.
hr: and who should we contact in an emergency?
me: I guess me
hr: no, like, if the emergency involves you
me: that feels like even more reason to tell me
furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
iPhone 14, iPhone 15 and iPhone 16
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.