@rockymomax

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

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@malloryomeara

Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.

@onelongbender

Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.

@Leemanish

I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.

@realHamOnWry

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.

@Audenary

Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys

@Donnie_Fairburn

[bursts into garage]

“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”

i’m trying to kill myself

“but you drive an electric car”

@jonnysun

NO

ONE’S

IN..

COURT LIKE GASTON

LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON

WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON

@sannewman

If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.

@xLiserx

*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.