@rockymomax

[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned

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@jjlob7

I don’t need a personal trainer as much as I need someone to follow me around and slap unhealthy food out of my hands. :/

@thenoahkinsey

As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”

@delusions_of

When being attacked yell “FREE CUPCAKES” so people come help you.

@LikChan

I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.

@MrSpoonicorn

don’t you just hate it when a zombie breaks into your home and starts doing their ironing right in front of the TV

@NerishaLakha

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

@ddsmidt

Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.

@aissalanis

Genie: and for your last wish?

Me: I wish I could reverse age a few years.

*wakes up with a pimple the size of Australia*

Me: NOT LIKE THIS!!!