[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’ve never been an actor before, but every Saturday I go to Costco and act interested about the food they’re selling so I can eat free samples for lunch.
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Twitter 2013: “Come and see what fun things your favourite celebrities are up to!”
Twitter 2023: “Your old favourite celebrities are now convinced lizard people are trying to take away your car and replace them with genders”
“I’m just gonna pull on weird animal parts until something comes out that I can drink”
-guy who discovered milk
me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Learning to cook watching the Food Network. Today I made a puréed nut spread with a grape reduction on brioche bread…
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Try that* in a small town.
*not joining a pyramid scheme run by an ex cheerleader.
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
I feel like the Ghostbusters are too proud they “ain’t afraid a no ghosts.”
It’s your job.
My exterminator doesn’t keep telling me he’s not afraid of spiders.
Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I didn’t know when your wedding was because you spelled out the date and time like a goddamn medieval sorcerer.
My 5yo won a toy from the claw machine, so now I’m going to make him buy me a lottery ticket