Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
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Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.
Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Netflix, you little flirt
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.