
Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
Work from home culture is keeping emergency pants by the front door in case someone knocks.
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
I don’t care if you’re here to murder me – we take our shoes off in this house.
Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris called it quits. But I am looking forward to her next album devoted to the break-up called ‘Calvin and Sobs’.
Have you tried cracking open a cold book with the boys
[bursts into garage]
“why is your car still on? you’ve been in here for 3 days”
i’m trying to kill myself
“but you drive an electric car”
NO
ONE’S
IN..
COURT LIKE GASTON
LEAKS REPORTS LIKE GASTON
WRITES IN PRESS AS “ANONYMOUS SOURCE” LIKE GASTON
Netflix, you little flirt
If I was a vulture, I would make way better use of it than most vultures now. For starters, I would do a lot of ominous circling over weddings.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.