Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

[fans out the deck]

Pick a card, any card..

Memorize it..

[hits you in the face with a shovel]

KING OF SPADES!

[walks off]

There is no “we” in chocolate.

THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.

Driving class: 10 and 2

Real life: 7 and french fries

We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.

Overheard a baby crying in the grocery store the other day so I went over and joined him. I get it little dude, life is hard

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

Won “Typo of the Moth” again at work.

*school is cancelled indefinitely*

My kids: Mom, why are you crying?

Guy cut me off & I shouted, “you are unable to pleasure your wife. OR HUSBAND.” Cause he needs to know I’m angry, yet progressive.

Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.

I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.

Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?

Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*

*Spends night making balloon animals

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.

GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-

ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION

Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars

Therapist: That’s unsettling

Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite

Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.

Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.

Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.

Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.

Her:

Him:

Her:

Him: Be right back…

Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up

All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!

[Getting waterboarded]
“Um, sir the subject isn’t responding to interrogation, he’s just getting bigger”
[Me, a sponge]
“MwahahaHAHAHAA”

netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?

me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise

netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures

me: absolutely not

netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS

me: this is my worst nightmare

Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME

And I laughed so hard I cried

So yeah! I’m great at dating

Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”