*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
You Might Also Like
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I’m tired and drank a lot of coffee so now I’m tired but faster
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
French guy (showing me his yachts): This is Un. This is Deux. This is Trois. This is Quatre. This is Six.
Me: Where’s the 5th?
FG: Cinq.
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.
@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Don’t compare yourself with others. Everyone is better than you.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
most people don’t know this, but IKEA is a long con, funded by marriage counselors and divorce lawyers
8-year-old: Can I have a turn with the pressure washer?
Me: Fine. But you can’t spray your sisters.
8: Never mind.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your house or an almost empty one.
There’s no in-between.
I feel bad for women who say finding true love is the best experience in life. They’ve obviously never found their bra size on clearance.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
“i am trapped in a loveless marriage help me obi-wan you’re my only hope” “use divorce, luke”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
Delicious if literal: Gravy boat.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
adding to the discourse
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir