*swims up to girl in pool* so do you.. actually this is quite deep jesus *just disappears*
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10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
Walking around the house looking for my coffee that’s already in my hand doesn’t mean I’m losing my mind.
It means I’m a parent.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
If we’ve gone swimming together you can be certain that at some point you’ve swam through my pee
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
“The library was closed yesterday.”
“Yes.”
“I tried to call with a question.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience.”
“It was kind of important.”
“Well can I help you with it now?”
“I wanted help yesterday.”
“Well, I’m here now.”
“Okay fine. What’s Harrison Ford’s astrological sign?”
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Sorry I didn’t do something sooner, I just couldn’t tell whether you were choking or beatboxing
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
[Dinner party]
ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.
HOST: MY TURTLES!
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
I saw a sign that said save the earth it’s the only planet that has tacos and I thought that’s so dumb how do they know other planets don’t have tacos?
Before sprinting towards the elevator, ask yourself, “Am I hot enough to make them hold the door?”
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
(job interview)
HR: And one of the many benefits we offer is a free gym membership. We really push healthy living.
Me: *stands up and leaves*
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.
Two submissives sitting in a tree.
N O T H I N G
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see