“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
Why my dad got his bald friend contact saved as “Head” in his phone
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
Much like lasagna, I’m just held together by cheese at this point
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
I was one of the crew members on the Lost series. Don’t worry, you’re not alone, nobody on the crew understood the ending either.
Facebook memories be like
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
PEOPLE WITH CHRONICALLY MOIST HANDS:
When you have dry lips, rub them on your palms.
I call it Lip palm.
It’s free.
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
#MeanwhileinCanada
All I’m saying is, a loose grip on reality is better than no grip on reality.
Hi. This is my first time at yoga. When I called they said to bring a Matt. *points at man standing next to her* Now what do we do with him?
I see you posted a photo of the song playing on your car radio. I can relate because my car also has a radio and plays songs.
Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin