“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
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The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
Happy Thanksgiving
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
*an investigator at the site of a airline crash recovers an undamaged toad the wet sprocket cd*
{shaking his head} they shoulda’ made the whole plane out of these
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Nobody can turn an omelet into scrambled eggs quicker than me.
Just saw my kid throw the handsoap away with some left in the bottom because the straw didn’t reach the soap anymore. Um, you add water to that shit and keep going. This ain’t the Ritz.
[camping]
me: why can’t i find any animals
wife: the wildlife is very conservative here
deer: climate change is a myth
PSA: Tipsy driving is drunk driving.
My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Nothing says you don’t trust your family like pre-payment of your funeral
Cop: Maybe it’s your driving. Maybe you’re drunk.
Me: Maybe it’s Maybelline.
[Being followed on my morning run]
Me: Leave me alone!
Mocking bird: LeAvE mE aLoNe
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Nothing is as heavy as a page that needs turning.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
A week into my bathroom reno has taught me that anyone that willingly buys fixer-uppers is a sociopath
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
“Is that your dog?”
“No, actually she’s adopted… we were unable to conceive a dog naturally ourselves”
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
When I was just little boy I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich? And here’s what she said to me…
Maybe there is a secret third thing
[me on a first date] Neil Armstrong backwards is Gnorts Mr Alien