@robwhisman

[swipes debit card] *would you like cash back?* yes [gazes at photo in wallet of steve jobs johnny cash & bob hope, whispers] yes i would

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@causticbob

Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.

@MomOnFire

My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.

@KateWhineHall

If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.

@HenpeckedHal

Me: “We’re going to go up an escalator! Can you say ‘escalator’?”
2 year old son: “eeeskvatay”
Me: “So no. No, you can’t.”

@ThugRaccoons

Wife: We are lost

Me: *driving a Nissan Pathfinder* LOL I think we’ll be fine

@HomeProbably

I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.

@ericsshadow

If the salesman doesn’t come with me on the test drive, I just take the car home and wait for them to come get it. I have so many cars now.

@bharatunnithan

[Going to Starbucks for the first time]

*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*

[a little later]

‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’

@JohnLyonTweets

Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.

@GrumpyComments

Found my cat reading To Kill A Mockingbird. I told him that it didn’t actually involve killing birds, but he said he liked courtroom dramas.