Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
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*agrees with someone online* Yeah, I agree.
*disagrees with someone online* YOU’RE NOT JUST WRONG YOU’RE HITLER AND I HATE YOU FOREVER
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
I can’t tell if I lost weight or stretched out my pants beyond the point of no return.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
The more dinner parties you host for your family of porcelain dolls, the more real their laughter and conversations become…but they still won’t pick you up at the airport.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
[home late]
Where were you?
“Uh, with my.. gf?”
Gf? Well, tell us about her! What’s her name?
[commercial on tv] uh.. Lisa.. Brandnewtoyota
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
just in case someone hasn’t told you today,
i’m gorgeous.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
We’re gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were “Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!”
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)
“Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” “Dude.” – crickets (translated)
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.