Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together

me: I’m stuck in my home with unlimited free time

my bookshelf: you can finally read all the books you’ve been meaning to read

me: absolutely not

Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.

I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.

me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!

my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ

me: who

You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.

How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.

“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”

Drunks and 1 year olds.

My wife and I decided not to have kids. The kids are taking it pretty hard.

I have no sense of decency. That way all my other senses are enhanced…

I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*

I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …

It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.

My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.

Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.

There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.

Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.

Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.

Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China

[at my grandmas house]
MY GRANDMA (not the grandma whose house we’re at but my other grandma): (to my grandma whose house we are at) hey

I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies

Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

This weekend, my wife & I reached our goal of losing 70 pounds together. But we gained it back when we picked up the kids from my parents.

I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask

my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work

I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.

Co-worker: *tells story*

Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.

CW: What? It’s not a bad story.

Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.

Him: “I feel-”

Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”

Him: “-gassy.”

My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave