*swipes right on my hand mirror
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WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
British woman Liz Trussell, who tweets as @LizTruss, has been spending the morning replying to world leaders and it’s possibly the best thing in the history of the internet.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Sushi’s just never quite as good re-heated the next day.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Well, well, well. How the wheels on the bus have gone round and round.
Don’t ever look away from a police officer. Just stare him down. You don’t wanna look suspicious.
Somebody just told me I was living the dream, I can assure you I have never dreamt of this shit right here.
wtf management?!
I know this place will prepare my taxes competently–they have a guy dressed as the Statue of Liberty waving at passersby.
-no one ever
All I did was tell my boss that, according to legend, I double in size when there’s a full moon… and I was sacked for growth myth conduct.
The two types of wives
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
😂🍻
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
mugger: how much you got
me: *looks in my purse and sees two snickers bars* one snickers bar
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!