*swipes right on my hand mirror
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How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
ME: [picking up the surprise cake for my wife] I guess you could say I’m bringing home the bakin lol
CASHIER: I just can’t believe someone married you.
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
If life gives you lemons just be thankful that life didn’t give you gonorrhea instead because making lemonade would be very painful
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I went fishing today/ am having chicken for dinner tonight
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
(Entering heaven)
Jesus: You made it! One last piece of admin, can you show me your draft tweets?
Me: Ok so I just go down the stairs and keep going until warm right?
Is there any way to tell a woman she has nice skin without her thinking you want to turn her into a jacket, especially one who really would make a nice jacket?
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
The ’90s were a time of blissful ignorance where we expected rock stars to sleep with groupies.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why
ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in
Mechanic *looks up* Wow, you have a lot of problems, so much is wrong
Me: I know!
Mechanic: Your car’s fine though
Me: ok cool