Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.

(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.

Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.

one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar

Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.

If social media platforms were weddings:

FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception

IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback

Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk

When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.

Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there

Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.

Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.

When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers

“Stop pointing at my daughter!” – Kanye West yells at a compass.

My 3yo plays a version of hide-and-seek where if you find her, she cries.

It still really upsets me that my dog stopped talking to me around the same time I gave up taking hallucinogenic drugs.

Send a DM to your twitter crush saying “My flight gets in at 6am on Thursday” and see how they react.

my daughter: dad I want you to meet my new boyfriend

me, modern and woke: okay great

my daughter: he’s a bee

me: *clenching my jaw* okay great

In my mind, I’m about 22-years old. Then I walk by a mirror.

The remote does not go next to the TV. That’s the opposite of why you have a remote.

lost a tooth? replace it with a chiclet. got a bum ticker? put a clock inside your ribs. got raccoon eyes? give them back, silly. those don’t belong to you

teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees

class: OOOOH

[opens hawk cage]

class: AAAHHH

[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES

she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October

Terminator: [arriving in 2024, current timeline] yikes, send me back

I always take a fully loaded paintball gun to my psychiatric evaluations because even when I fail, it’s going to be with flying colors.

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]

Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook

Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.

The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.

i hate when google maps keeps rerouting me to the faster route that goes thru traffic. i know my route is longer google i made this choice for my mental health

If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.

Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.