Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: be yourself

Me: do you have any better advice

[1st day at Subway]
Boss: u said u’d done this before
Me: [painting myself in marinara sauce] I’m really more of an abstract sandwich artist

Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.

Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

All I need is to hear those 3 special words

“Want a sandwich?”

News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave

Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.

Dating life- Finds rose petals on the ground when I wake up
Married life- Finds my husband’s toenails on the ground when I wake up

imagine breaking a piñata open and a bunch of greek soldiers fall out

There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,

Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??

Starbucks employee:

Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?

Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.

*meeting
Boss: Are you sleeping?!
Me: Well I *was*.

If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.

watching gymnastics

Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know

My fish makes so much noise during the night that I wake up six times a night to ask him if we are fighting

Got kicked out of the pool for practicing synchronized swimming because my partner apparently “had no idea who I was or what I was doing.”

[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew

dad: you losing weight

me: are you asking me bc i look skinnier or because i changed my diet

dad: yes

My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me

“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

I’ve never seen a runner smiling.

So that’s all I need to know about that.

(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon

*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back

don’t ask me for pet advice. my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be carried, won’t walk.”

Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?