*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
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Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’ll take a low-fat, mocha, chai, organic-soy-milk latte, with a shot of French vanilla, sprinkled with unicorn soul, please.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you’ve taken of them sleeping..
My ex got married yesterday. Should I send them a card or just the screenshots of him trying to get me back when they were dating ?
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
Them: Why are you late?
Me: I’m not allowed to run over cyclists.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
I sent a coworker a 15 page document as 15 one page PDF files rather than one 15 page PDF file.
Passive-aggressive level achieved: Expert
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Sony has announced MORBIUS will be released once a month until their demands are met.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
imagine when the stars that make orion’s belt die and his pants fall down
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
The movie ”Finding Nemo” would’ve lasted only 5 minutes if his mother would’ve looked for him.
a whale would make a great face mask because no one would be able to get within 100 ft of you
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Jerry Lock
@jlock17
My grandson is just learning to talk and is going to be a train engineer for Halloween, so I’m working hard on teaching him to say “Kiss my caboose” before his mom picks him up.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
