*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
You Might Also Like
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
[my funeral]
PRIEST: dearly beloved…
*respectful silence from guests*
PRIEST: …and steve
ME FROM INSIDE COFFIN: lmao get roasted steve
[a gorilla is using sign language to try to tell me something]
Me [eating a banana]: I’m sorry I don’t understand
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
You don’t marry the good parts of a person, you marry the entire person–their faults & failures included. The trick is to look beyond the negative & focus on the parts you love.
If you were my wife and you came home to that note on top of a broken vase would you still be mad?
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
To save time, I buy my panties pre-bunched.
I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
My dad just asked me if Nicki Minaj is claymation. Didn’t have an answer.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
Being a serial killer is much like being a comedian, in that you either hit it big and get your own Netflix special, or you spend eternity popping up on shitty podcasts
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
they finally got him. they got macavity
Why do they call it house cleaning and not fighting grime?
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.