*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
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(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
yall want some gasoline milk
Thinking about when I got to the hospital to give birth and the doctor asked when the contractions started and I said “11:48” and he laughed and said “Wow, so specific. 11:48 and how many seconds?” and I’m just saying that man is lucky to be alive.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
I put the h in mysterious.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I cleaned out my teen’s room and I found 8 plates, 21 utensils, a TV remote, 8 chapsticks, a burner phone and apparently we have a cat.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
I went to a wildlife rehabilitation center today and none of the animals were still doing drugs. A massive success!
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
This ATM has just charged me £2 for a transaction but told me to cover my PIN to prevent from being robbed.
Pretty ironic if you ask me.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Just saw a bird run across the street if you were wondering if anyone else is wasting their gifts.
New machine at the gym is weird. I cant figure out the sets but for a dollar it gives me a Snickers when I hit E4.
Went to my buddy’s house and he thought this absolute monster was gonna slip by without further inquiry
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Throws some pepperoni slices into my Mac ‘n Cheese. Adds ‘Master Chef’ to my resume.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
Tuesday
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
A documentary about how the band Hanson exploded onto the music scene in the 90s, call it MmmBoppenheimer.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword