Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.

Protip: if a woman you’re with is screaming “ELEPHANT! SENATOR! BANANA! EUCALYPTUS! MISSISSIPPI!” it’s because she probably forgot the safe word.

Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.

The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.

Me: It’s time to lose my quarantine 15.

Girl Scouts: Hold my cookies.

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

*sees cute boy checking me out*

me: our horde of children will have his eyes and my low standards

If mediums can converse with the dead, imagine what a bunch of larges would do

Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.

What I was warned about as a kid:
*Strangers in vans
*Gum taking seven years to digest
*Quicksand

What I wasn’t warned about as a kid:
*Arguing with a computer that I’m not a robot
*Being sad when my favorite spatula breaks
*Meeting a “pickleball influencer”

ME: *takes wife’s hand* you know I’ve wanted to have children for 3 years

WIFE: And I’ve told you *removes hand and sits back* we have to keep them forever

I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.

Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.

I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.

Do I hope that my toddler grows up to be an intelligent and fully-functioning member of society? Yes. Do I also hope that he’s still trying to inflate a balloon by holding it two inches in front of his face and blowing toward the hole? Hell yes.

Whoever invented the envelope was cooking. Need more office supplies I can lick

I wouldn’t walk 500 miles and then walk 500 more for anyone. I’d drive across town though maybe.

Herpes is trending, good job people

Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”

POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?

ME: Jealous much?

Hot Pockets- Now with 5 cheese!
Me- *adding both nacho and spray cheese* Amateurs

My son didn’t want to get up for school today, so I promised him that if he got up and went to school today, I wouldn’t make him go tomorrow.

We were about halfway to the bus stop when he realized that it’s Friday.

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

The old saying about pissed off waiters applies to everyone really. I’m fairly certain the guy at Home Depot just spit on my mulch.

Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths

*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*

Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11

My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.

Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….

If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !

HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊

[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG

I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.

I’m not paranoid but if you’re plotting against me let me know so I can prepare some snacks beforehand.

Are wings and mini tacos okay?

it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”