*swishing the vaccine around in my arm like it’s a fancy wine*
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My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
*fooling around with husband*
Husband: Is that a piece of cheese in your bra?
Me: If you wanted any, you should have brought your own snacks!
I would most likely die like 45 minutes into a zombie apocalypse, and even more likely it would not be zombie apocalypse related.
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
.. do you even science?
“Can I buy you a drink?”
“I’d rather just have the money”
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
This chloroform smells expensiv…
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
My liver’s so black, it went to a respected college, got a great job, and made it’s family very proud.
Weren’t expecting that, huh?
Racist.
Why does every toy in Toy Story always stop moving when a human is around? Who do they answer to? Who created that rule ? WHO IS THEIR GOD?
Therapist: let go of my collar
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
My favorite genre of meme is people unknowingly kidnapping coyotes
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
Free him
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!