Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
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“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
Ted Cruz continues to be a trailblazer as he becomes the first Hispanic person to flee FROM Texas TO Mexico because of ICE
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again
You think you’re cool and then you see a video of yourself running.
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
let’s discuss
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
date catches me googling “how to hamburger” when she asks if i can cook
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Me: *making tea*
Also me 6 minutes later: what the hell is that whistling sound?!
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Skeletons are a weird costume cuz you already got one of those in your body you’re pretty much a bone oreo with skin frosting dude
the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
I’m not ashamed to say that when I saw everyone was getting these new “selfie sticks” for Xmas I thought it was some new fantastic deodorant
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
In my culture, yawning and rolling my eyes during a Zoom meeting is a sign of respect.
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
son: Why do people tell jokes?
me: To make other people laugh
son: So why do you tell jokes?
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I don’t normally like to brag about expensive trips but I just got back from the grocery store, getting gas, and signing my kids up for summer camp.
Jennifer on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Jennifer? Most people love it.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
wait a minute….
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.