Swiss Army knives should come with a first aid attachment.
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If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
they really wanted me dead for this
It’s always good to leave a few toilet paper remnants behind so he knows you’re a fastidious wiper.
When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
like Neil Degrasse Tyson, I’ll make you question everything (specifically why you started talking to me)
I wrote a Facebook status asking what’s happening in Young Sheldon and then unfriended everyone who replied.
airline: you need to pay to check luggage.
passenger: ok i’ll carry it on then.
airline: wow so weird we’re low on overhead space now.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
I’m not a religious person but I am thankful that God didn’t make spiders that fly.
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
me: you ever get so sad you want to build a doomsday device and just destroy the planet so you won’t be sad anymore and neither will anyone else?
court-appointed therapist: again, no and that’s exactly why you’re here
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
My wife asked me if she had any ‘annoying’ habits and then got all offended during the power point presentation.
Wife: is that our guinea pig?
Me: yes and I’ve named her gwyn
Wife: why
Me: *whispers* gwyny pig
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Youtube is the only place where you’ll find people arguing about religion in the comments of a snowboarding video.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
What do you do for a living?
I’m a spy !
Why are you dressed like a shepherd?
I’m a shepherds spy !
I told him I like a big vocabulary and now he won’t stop using 72pt font.
Be the reason someone burns sage.