Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Absolute fiend for dumbass plot devices in fantasy stories. I love it when there’s some stupid magic orb that fixes everything, you just need to find it.
“The kingdom is in peril! Champion, you must find the Cube of Fix Precisely This Specific Problem.”
I will snort it like snow.

YouTube gives me ads in Japanese, google news gives me all the hot gossip from India, my ads on google play are in Chinese. I only speak English.
I, as a biological male, sometimes get menopause ads.
I’m sometimes paranoid over data collection & this all makes me calm down! Lol.

🖤✌🏽

I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.

Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!

9: But I didn’t

Me: Not now but it could have hit him

9: But it didn’t

Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt

9: But he didn’t

Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)

I’m just going to come right out and say it. I’m sorry I ate your seagull.

Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house

Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons

Me: What about the housekeeper

Gma: Already talked to her

Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair

Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy

I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.

Who called them low rise jeans and not Teenage Waistband?

Why did they call it a street sweeper and not a Vroomba

me: what’s your sign

chef: spisces

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.

On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.

*family reunion*

– flirting shouldn’t be this easy

How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips

I’m getting genuinely concerned about the declining literacy rate.

It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!

Be careful when online dating, if someone describes themselves as outdoorsy, they might just be homeless.

Boss: How ‘bout I dangle a carrot in front of you?

Me *reports him to Human Resources*

[at the playground]

“Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line

Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing

“Just skip to the part where he pushes stuff off the counter!”

Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.

Friend: You’re writing a book?

Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.

I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss

Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi

Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?

3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.

Me: ok.

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine