Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.

*phone rings

Me: Hello?

Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?

Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!

Someone: how are you?

Me: thanks, you too.

Hello. I am Public Restroom. Would you like some toilet paper that melts in the palm of your hand? Here, have some empty soap, my child.

Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:

•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”

I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.

“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”

girls will post pictures with “my day one💘💓” and it’s just some girl named Sarah that they met at the bar last week

One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions

These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.

Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.

I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations

little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve

I’m going to stay off my phone today and clean my house.
Narrator: She stayed off her phone for 25 minutes and cleaned off the couch to nap.

me: (calls out the wrong name during sex)
gf: who the hell is waluigi

DNA editing was invented by Gene Hackman

[after coronavirus]

Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home

Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?

Eminem: You only get one shot, do not miss your chance to blow

Eminem’s Wife: I have a headache

Okay

Zombie: Ugh. Brains again?

Zombie wife: Well it’s not like you’ll eat anything else, Greg!

My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.

Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.

me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.

Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?

Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”

Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.

dam girl

A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.

If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.

Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.

Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks

Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks

why can’t there be a school picture package with only 1 big picture and 3 medium ones? has anyone in existence used up 52 wallet sized pics of their kids?