Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love you…

…r dog.

I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were

The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter

My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.

“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”

reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping

My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.

It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.

ME: I always get so nervous on flights. Like I know it’s supposed to be safe, but I just don’t understand how something so heavy can stay in the air, you know?

CO-PILOT: The speaker’s still on, Captain.

me: there’s a bloody oar in the water

friend: that’s foreboding

me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for

“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?

ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?

WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.

The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.

Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?

My 6year old: You only asked once

Hacker: Give us your password or else

30 minutes later…

Me: OK, now try 1987 and three exclamation points

Just met my Gen Z neighbors Jaiyszon and Kjimberrlley and their newborn daughter Paiyszleiyeigh.

Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”

cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.

Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.

They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.

My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.

DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil

serial killer: come take a ride with me to the desert

me: sure!

serial killer: r-really

me: yeah there’s no light pollution and i love astronomy

serial killer: ok but you have to ride in the tr-

me: *hopping in the trunk* to the stars!

If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!

when ppl ask to come inside my apartment I always say no bc that’s what a vampire would ask.

Two mushrooms in a forest.

One says: “Hi, how are you?”

The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”

#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe

someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling

PET PEEVE: Cutting donuts in half.

Either experience the complete joy of a full donut or fully punish yourself. None of this half-measure crap, please.