Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Carnac the Magnificent]

Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans

*opens envelope*

“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”

COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME:
COP:
ME: Is…isn’t that your job?

HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.

*calls out under the bed

Me: Are you still there?

Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.

You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.

“Be cool, be cool,
be cool”

~me before I’m about to not be cool.

[cat hospital]
Cat Nurse: Let’s get you prepped for surgery. *licks patient all over*

Don’t run with bagpipes. You could put an aye out. Or worse yet, get kilt.

Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*

Victim: why are you doing this?

Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol

Embarrassed that our five year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks

me: do you have a blowup mattress?

host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.

me: hahaha

host: hahaha

me: (nervous sweating)

If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.

Because I fall sleep listening to the meditation video, I’ve never actually heard the end of it. They could play Beethoven’s Fifth on kazoos at the end for all I know.

*at Thanksgiving dinner*
Me: One of you is eating poison green bean casserole.

Everyone: *gasp*

Me: Just kidding you all are.

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?

My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.

Online dating is like having your option to date anyone inside of a Walmart

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

baking when u live alone is like ok i had my fun now what do i do with 28 cookies

I’m just playing devils avocado here

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing

I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department

Zelda was easier as a kid because if you hit a hard puzzle you could just wait a few days for more brain matter to come in but now it’s the opposite, if a puzzle’s hard I have to rush to try and figure it out because I’ll probably be dumber tomorrow