Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
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4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
*writes ‘amount to something’ on bucket list*
*crosses it out*
*writes ‘mount something’*Yeah. That’s do-able.
In my meager defense, I was in no way aware the gingerbread houses were entries in a contest.
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
My wife just sighed from the other room, which can only mean one of 1,850 things.
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Don’t you hate it when you claw your way out of your grave just to realize you left your keys in the coffin?
fav for leaf bucket
RT for hot oil starch sticks
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
Yes I am that gift that keeps on giving most people the finger.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Fact: The purpose of waking up with hangovers when you’re young is to prepare you for how it feels to wake up when you’re old.
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Oscar Wilde: “be yourself, everyone else is already taken”
Liam Neeson: *cracks knuckles*
“Real men like a woman with curves” – Fat Chicks
Me: do you like bad boys?
Her: no
Me: are you sure?
Her: [covers her dog’s ears] okay yes
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now