Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?

I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.

Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.

I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now

A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”

* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…

Hey, your parents conceived you the same year my parents conceived me, let us be friends! High school is stupid.

[lightbulb store]
owner: “what watt can i get you?”
me:
owner:
me:
owner: “did i stutter?”
me: “i dont know”

Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.

Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie

I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.

My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.

Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.

I will selflessly protect my family from a life of diabetes by eating the entire box of donuts.

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂

Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay

Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?

My superpower is finding the one bathroom stall with no toilet paper.

All right then, keep your secrets

Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.

having a room in your house where there is a car and a refrigerator is crazy to me

I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”

Park Ranger: *Looking at morbidly obese ducks* Was this you?

Jesus: *trying to hide the rapidly multiplying bread loaves* No sir

that’s me in the corner, that’s me using Microsoft Word, losing my revision

Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.

[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Scrolling*

*Very slight chuckle*

*Scrolling*

Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.

me: no shoes in the house

murderer: sorry

ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”

Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.

Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.

My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.