Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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Eve: *chewing* what was that thing we weren’t supposed to eat?
God: please tell me you didn’t eat the apple
Eve: *licking fingers* oh haha no
God: …where’s Adam?
Him: I like it when a girl growls at me
My stomach: *growls*
Him: not like that
Maybe I’m the problem..
Nvm that don’t even sound right
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
whoops accidentally said I couldn’t make it before they even said the date
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
The second cup of coffee does for me what a can of spinach does for Popeye.
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
I have a drawer in my kitchen full of sauces that are patiently waiting for the big day that I use them
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we’ve run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
(On a date)
Her: the last guy I dated was really immature, so I ended it.
Me: haha yeah that was a good call…
*deletes ‘funny goat sounds’ app from my phone under the table*
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
GOD: for this to work, I need them to feel love
CUPID: how about I shoot them through the heart with an arrow?
GOD: ur starting to worry me
first my neighbor was okay with my electric fencing, then he was on the fence, and now he’s dead set against it
i don’t own a scale i measure my weight with whether or not my towel closes all the way after a shower.
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.