Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
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There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
*sneaks into sons room to scare him*
*trips over skateboard*
*steps on something squishy*
*turns light on*
*makes him clean his room*
I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.
they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Hungover? Hydrate. Anxious? Hydrate. Want to advance Satan’s agenda here on Earth? Hydrate.
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Maybe dogs are smarter than us because they found a way to get fed and housed without having to go to college and get a job
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
Sick of the media always blaming video games for the rise in fantastical jewel-seeking quests.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
I have one of those signs in my house that says:
“Sorry for the mess,
We are making memories of mom being pissed off because we can’t listen the first 7 times to clean up our shit.”
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
[hospital burn unit]
doctor: your father will die soon unless one of you can be a tissue donor
me: *pulling used kleenex from my pockets* how many
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
estão todos miauvindo?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
[sharing a cold one with the fellas] It’s my turn to hold the penguin
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”