*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
My nephew asks so many questions that Alexa just told him it’s okay to bathe with the toaster.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
Friend’s 3 yr old: DO YOU THINK I’M A DOLLAR BILL?!
Me:
Friend, *embarrassed*: He means “adorable”
I just want someone to make me feel like I did the first time I figured out a special move in Mortal Kombat.
Snowed in overnight at an old Shining-esque ski resort avoiding all mirrors, twins, mazes and Jack lookalikes.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Isn’t it odd that “read” is pronounced like “lead”, while “read” is pronounced like “lead”?
[Airport Bar]
Me: I’ll have a beer, please.
Bartender: That’ll be $45.
Me: Worth it.
So glad I don’t subtweet like SOME PEOPLE.
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Judge: You were arrested for stealing a can of peaches. How many peaches were in the can?
Wife: Six, Your Honor.
Judge: In that case, you will go to jail for six days, one for each peach.
Husband: She also stole a can of peas!
If you want to set up a company and run it that’s your business.
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
The guy who spelled pneumonia pknew pnothing
please may i have the balding salaryman post-it notes….he grows alarmingly more bald as you use them…ah..
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application