*Switches between 4 different news channels for an hour*
Has literally no idea what’s going on in the world
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Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
Who called it Alcatraz and not Jailhouse Rock
I just made my daughter a grilled cheese and her response was “this is perfect, I bet you can’t do it twice” so yes, she knows how to play the game
Two little monkeys
Jumping on the bed
One fell off and
Bumped his head EXACTLY HOW THEIR MOM SAID SOMEONE WOULD BUT NO ONE LISTENS TO HER.
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
That must be a pretty powerful blow dryer if it’s causing them to slow down
welcome mats are just gateway rugs
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
God help the parent* who tries to put a new food on their child’s plate.
*my husband
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
“Hey, we see that everything you’ve ever watched has been in English, may we suggest something in German?”
-Netflix.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
[algebra class]
KID: This is so stupid
TEACHER: You may need it in your job
KID: What job?
TEACHER: …
KID: …
TEACHER: Algebra teacher?
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
I talk a lot of shit for someone whose immune system interprets my ear piercings as a threat.
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Him: yes!
Me: can you stop playing?
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
If you thought the debate was bad, you really won’t like the swimsuit competition.
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
I wish I had the confidence of my 8yo who boldly declared she was going to teach her younger sister to read “real quick”.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?