*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
For sale: Golden Retriever, had for 9 months, has yet to retrieve gold. Should have bought a metal detector.
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
I support this random dude and all his protests
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
“Oh, are you driving?” -Good question to ask someone as they force you into their trunk
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Son of Sam I Am, a serial killer who targets people who won’t try new foods.
Please stop telling me how you wish you had my curly hair. You don’t know the struggle of waking up looking like Mufasa.
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Social media becomes more tolerable when you read angry comments in Kermit’s voice.
You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
Am I joking? Yes. Absolutely.
Do I also mean it? Yes. Absolutely.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
“I’m not sure if you got my earlier email…” = I’m even more furious than I was when I sent that one.
I admire the audacity of beavers, they just move to a new area and say “screw the neighbors, imma put a lake here”
Everyone is always doing laundry
*changes name to laundry
Rastafarian guy in the sauna this morning was telling me I should be making my own honey. “Anyone can buy a bee”, he said. I nodded, taking it to heart. There was a 10 second pause, after which a Polish bodybuilder in the corner interjected: “you need more bee”