*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
Me: We spend a lot of time together.
Her: Turn left.
Me: Just think we should take this to the next level.
Her: Arriving at destination.
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
Did it bother anybody else that the guy from that “Operation” game was clearly wide awake?
imagine marrying someone and then finding out they don’t want to name the dog after an italian cuisine and you have to take the children and Tiramisu and leave in the middle of the night
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
Today my youngest has her “preschool graduation,” and oh, how I will try to control my tears*
*of joy that she will be in school full day come fall
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
[eats all your cotton candy]
I’d run a marathon but I don’t know if I can handle the commitment. I mean a lifetime of telling every person you meet you ran a marathon?
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
Survivor, but it’s just us touching our faces and then waiting
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Dad, the Easter Bunny should know that I don’t like Rolos but he puts them in my basket every year.
Me: (eating a Rolo) Yeah, that’s weird.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
omg the susans have started to replicate please send he
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.