*switches the place cards so I’m sitting next to the mashed potatoes*
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If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
I asked the waitress for a quickie and she slapped me. The old woman next to me said, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche’, dear.”
[Applebees on Christmas]
God: Enjoy your meal?
Jesus: Ya, I-
[a crowd of servers surrounds them]
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Feeling sad? Donuts.
Feeling blah? Donuts.
Feeling upset? Donuts.
Feeling that your husband may be Facebook cheating on you with his skanky old high school girlfriend Brenda? Lots and lots and lots of donuts.
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
If I had all the money, I would pay people to sneak up behind you and blast a bullhorn right before you hit send on a political tweet.
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
actually, i like watching MMA for the outfits
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.
No coffin for me thanks. I want to be creamated and have my ashes stored in a nice Tupperware container.
Find you a girl that can lay eggs.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
when u come home smelling like another dog
5yo: when I grow up I’m gonna pick such a good grandma for my kids
Me: it’ll be me
5yo: eh, probably not
I’ll call it a smartphone the day I yell “where’s my smartphone?” And it yells
” Down here in the couch cushions”
Boss: What are you working on?
Me: Something I have limited time to finish.
Boss: Oh, okay. I’ll leave you to it, then.
Me: [goes back to Prime Day shopping]
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Gays are definitely from Saturn. You know the only planet chic enough to accessorize with a belt.
Me: is this dishwasher safe?
Nurse: *taking back baby* absolutely not
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
“You crazy kids sure get one hell of a sweet tooth during Halloween” I say pouring maple syrup into their bags…