Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.

Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.

11: can I see one of your last tweets?

Me: *pulls up tweet*

11: no, I meant a funny one

A warning to all – be careful about drink driving as the police are out checking on people. Last night I was out for a few drinks and one thing led to another and I had a few too many, not a good idea & knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave the car at the pub and took a bus home, I passed the police check point, where they were pulling over drivers and performing breath tests, because I was on a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and no accidents, which was a real surprise because I have never driven a bus before…

Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.

Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.

A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.

I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.

[pirate ship]
Pirate: Walk the plank
Me: *struts down like nobody’s business*
Pirate: wait come back that was awesome you’re one of us now

*I describe my lost cat to the cops*

Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*

Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*

[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words

Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):

– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!

Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days

Some people come into our lives only briefly

Some touch our hearts and will always be with us

And some people regularly say “Friyay” and need to be cut off immediately

Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.

peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup

Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-

Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*

Excuse me sir, are you going to finish that existential crisis?

What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.

*eggs your house on Halloween*
*pumpkins your house on Easter*

Do not let children style your hair. They are bad at it and everyone will roast you for looking ridiculous.

I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

Is it wrong that I lied on my tinder profile about how many tusks I have?

st pete:

me:

st pete:

me: was it my browser history?

st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?

4: They both rhyme, daddy!

Where the hell are all the scissors?!

– a parenting memoir

Matthew was born for this.