Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”

Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?

2019: “How you like me now?”

COP: License and registration please

ME: Can’t sell ya those but I do have drugs

i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger

Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack

Anakin: you underestimate my power

Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*

My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.

I think about this often.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

It is NOT acceptable to lift up the back of a woman’s shirt to look at her lower back tattoo, even if you’re at Walmart… I know that now

who called it a toilet and not an IP address

I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’

Confused owl: What?!

Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.

Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?

Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too

Friend: You can improve your visual acuity with carrots

Me: *shoving a carrot into each eye* You better be right about this, Gary

Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.

Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.

Pot warmers of the day.

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

Woke up this morning after a hard night of boozing, stepped on the scale and I lost 3 pounds.

There ya have it. Dignity weighs 3 pounds.

i gave my friends who live close by a spare key in case i lose mine and they’ve just been using it to come over and play baldurs gate when im not home

Pros & cons of being a skeleton:

Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..

Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

Me: “A handful of goldfish makes a great snack.”
Her: “Those crackers are too salty for me.”
Me (with fish breath): “What crackers?”

Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.

I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago

“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”

-my cat

I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go