Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.

Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.

Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!

– RL partying sounds so violent

Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: who’s that?
Me: why are you leaving?

-me, watching an Avengers movie with my family

Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.

When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.

Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”

– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone

Yeah, I’m allergic to wheat, but I really like it so I eat it anyway. I’m a real gluten for punishment.

100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion

[portal opens]

dark lord: FINALLY! EARTH’S TREASURES ARE MINE!

gary: what if the REAL treasure is our friendsh-

dark lord: not now gary

Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*

[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”

I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.

Give a baker flours on your first date.

I’ve never used the word culvert in a sentence. Well, until now.

If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.

🙂🙃🥹

We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called

And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa

“Don’t let me keep you”

Translation: Please go.

This headline stunned me-
“Mars to reduce carbon emissions”

Until I realized it was the candy maker …
and not the planet.

2020: verb. When you screw things up beyond belief.

Example: Chad’s car hit a pole and knocked out power and, well long story short, he 2020’d and now a giant squid is destroying the city.

“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]

[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*

When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.

A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this

“Look guys! No hands!”

-captain of the Titanic

friend: i really need your advice

me finishing a bottle of wine while stalking all the girls my ex follows on IG: yes of course, you’ve come to the right person

If you like buying other people food and bribing them to eat it, then having kids might be for you.