Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
[slug spy] you’ll never take me alive *bites salt capsule*
I just weighed myself so I could then weigh the dog; so now we’re both depressed and comfort eating kibble.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
Stonehinge
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I only make my food from the natural ingredients, like uranium and asbestos
I would like to see the USA go metric before I die just so I can enjoy the outrage that would follow.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
McDonald’s french fries are not real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect.
Tasted fine, too.
I saw a lady run for the train today and I had to suppress my Olympic viewing tendency to cheer for her.
Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
white woman who visited India once and owns a bead curtain: Learn to remove negativity from your space. Instead of November learn to say YESvember.
me: that doesn’t make any-
woman: You’re a slave to western medicine. Buy a healing wand from my Etsy. It’s $48 and is a stick.
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
A child’s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
