Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Oh ok never mind
My friend is so frugal if he starts dreaming good he wakes up so as to not spend it all at one time.
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
[Me at doctor’s office]
[thoroughly removes make up]
Me: Ok, weigh me now
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
at the grampys, about to anounce who won the grampy award. open envelope. its grandpa!!! you did it congratulations
Son: Mom, there’s a monster under my bed.
Me: how long has he been there? he better cough up some rent money
Don’t worry, you’re not the first person to misinterpret my flirting as food poisoning
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Despite standing in the same spot and yelling “Dad!” 427 times, my daughter is nowhere closer to finding where her dad is.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…
Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like.
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
Sex but instead of moaning she yells YAAAAHAHAHOOOEEYYY like Goofy does evey time he falls
Someone is at work raving about how good her tofu meatloaf was that she served for dinner.
I’ma tell you now, you serve me tofu anything, and I will consider it an at of war.
