Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
I get more offended when my dog doesn’t say hi when I get home than if my kids don’t acknowledge my presence.
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
My 4 year old kid doesn’t have an imaginary friend, he has an imaginary boss. He takes imaginary phone calls from his imaginary boss and has one-sided, exasperated conversations. We asked him once if his boss had a name and without missing a beat he said “Johnson.”
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
SOMEONE LEFT. A FULL PLATE OF COOKIES. AND A GLASS OF MILK. RIGHT BY THE FIREPLACE FOR ME. I AM NOT KIDDING. WHAT A NIGHT
Money was so tight last Xmas I had to sell a kidney for gifts. And this year it’s getting so bad, I may even have to sell one of my own.
My uncle told me the other day that the world is in a really crazy place when Twitter seems more logical than the general public so congrats y’all are considered the most sane people on the planet by at least one person
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut
[Called daughter’s phone. Got voicemail greeting.]
IN THE EXACT VOICE OF DORA THE EXPLORER
11: Hola! Soy Dora! Can you. Find. The end button?
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
Mechanic: Your car needs new brakes to pass inspection.
Me: Are you sure about that? *slides him a half used $10 Starbucks gift card*
HORSE: *walks into a bar*
BARTENDER: Why the long face?
HORSE: Updog
BARTENDER: What’s updog?
HORSE: Not much just walking into a bar
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
I can relate to Eminem because I’m also a black man trapped in a white woman’s body.
6 yo: I’m getting bigger, this house won’t fit me much longer.
Why did they call it a Megalodon and not a Sea-Rex
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
How can a pair of men’s swim trunks be $90?! Is the net for your privates lined with gold?
comedy isn’t about making people laugh. it’s about asking people in the front row, who politely sat there despite not wanting to, what their favorite sexual position is and then mocking them regardless of their answer before posting that interaction on every conceivable platform
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
