Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When is this ball dropping?!? And why am I the only one in Times Square right now?!?

coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name

So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.

The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.

[4 hours later]

Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot

me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake

man: and her body has been stolen

me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take

man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin

me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake

I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.

had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

When it comes to politics I’m an agnostic. I don’t believe there’s an honest politician nor can I prove that one does not exist.

I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.

My dog gets up faster than I do when the microwave starts beeping.

accidentally called dragon ball Z pokemon and 8 talked to me for 5 hours on why I’m so wrong. Help.

{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.

HER: He’s so kind.

ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.

guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here

People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.

Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea

I mean I’m over it but I’m definitely going to bring it up again after a couple drinks

If she likes old school hip-hop, she probably wants the D12.

How to ruin your kids day:

1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock

I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.

I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.

Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered

I bet short people get really excited when they accidentally hit their head on things.

“Put your pants on grandma, you’re scaring the reptiles!”

– Me, camping

Me: Dad gave me a sip of beer when I was 6 and I hated it. It was really effective in helping me to not rely on alcohol when dealing with my anger issues.

Prison Psychiatrist: you killed 8 people.

Me: yeah but I was super Zen about it

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

At a job interview “What are your strengths?”
“I’m an optimist and a positive thinker”
“Can you give me an example?”
“Yes, when do I start?”

I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.