Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I wonder if the woman sitting in front of me at this game knows I can see every sexy text she sends her man as she sits close beside her other man.

I am at the mall at 6:30 pm on a Monday in July. I have seen so many belly buttons

Was told I can’t use Wi-Fi at McDonald’s unless I eat. So I am bringing a peanut butter sandwich.

[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.

Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan

“[I] broke up with him because I was sick of justifying his trench coat to my friends” – Overheard on the bus

Year 2142: Meat eaters have died out. Vegans survive.

2143: Everyone is dead b/c the vegans couldn’t tell anyone else that they were vegan.

bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs

going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters

I saw reduced fat wheat thins at the store and I thought, is this hell?

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”

Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice

let’s hear it for plates that are bowls

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.

The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…

Me: I love these lazy Sundays.

Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!

Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.

If cooking blogs were tweets:

Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!

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“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*

5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.

Me: Aw, you came to me.

5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?

her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what

[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]

OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.

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Just another unrealistic body expectation for women