Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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I have this really hot fantasy about having sex in…
… my lifetime.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
(At war) you guys mind if I leave a bit early today?
I’m less of a “Don’t say that” mom and more of a “Don’t say that at school” mom.
Covert ops
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
nurse: how do you rate your pain
me: zero stars
nurse:
me: would not recommend
The Sheep human Contest in France. This is the festival I need right now.
I love when moms are like let’s go in the playroom. Girl the playroom is my whole damn house.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
A world war 2 bunker with fake air vent
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
I think I’m a good looking guy from a distance.
As long as that distance is 300 miles.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
#oldknees
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
I don’t drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
Sign in the elevator: Please keep 6-foot distance.
Width of elevator: 5 feet.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.