Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey Mr. Tambourine Man, play a song for me.

*Tambourine Man shakes tambourine for several minutes*

Well that sucked.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

I’m so confused when the TV voice before a show I’m about to watch says, “For mature audiences only.” Can I watch or not?

I’d walk over cotton balls for you

When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

Toddler misbehaves, but follows it up with throwing his hands in the air and yelling “Ta-da!” so he won’t get in trouble.
Stealing it.

Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.

I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.

In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.

*manager storms backstage* Kandi, your twerk looks like the first signs of Parkinson’s. Foxxxy, you couldn’t get a Werther’s Original hard.

When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”

My daughter told me, very sincerely, that if she ever wins the lottery she’ll give me $100 so I can be rich too

Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.

not gonna lie it was a little disturbing to learn that a large amount of the post-apocalyptic jargon in Mad Max / Furiosa is actually just regular Australian slang

boss: we’re starting to think you don’t really value this job anymore
me: [wearing bathrobe] not sure what u mean

Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.

Me: I can’t wait!

RM: You’re fired.

this weather app on my phone says i can see for 10 miles. *chucks glasses in the trash*

I hate it when I’m trying to take a selfie and somebody calls my camera.

lots of war chat today so it is time to remind everyone that you did not in fact fight in world war 2, that was a film you saw

I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.

I bought an ironing board from a 20 year old on Facebook Marketplace and I barely resisted the urge to ask him if his mom knew he was selling it

I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.

My youngest has been banging on about “prank week” and has been royally pranking us all day.

Little does she know, her father is the prank master

Both of them panicking now, the bonus is that their sadness has brought a hush into the house.

[makes eye contact with guy on bus]

Him: *opens flip phone*
Me: *pulls out cordless phone*
Him: …
Me: *stretches out metal antenna*

If it doesn’t make you afraid to go to the bathroom the next day, it’s not really hot sauce.

A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.

I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out

Me: Where’s your water bottle?

3yo: I don’t know.

Me: Can you please go look for it?

3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.

Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food

Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.