Swordsman: [draws sword] prepare to die
Me: [takes out pen] oh I don’t think so buddy
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Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
i forgot my date’s name so i took her to Starbucks
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
What’s the dumbest thing you ever got in trouble for at work? Let me start: I just got a “verbal warning” for the words, “let’s see how that works out.”
Forgot about the 12-20 months stage of having a baby where your house is just littered with random objects they picked up, carried around, and dropped for no reason like you live inside a claw machine.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
writer: I’m so good at beginnings but never can finish strong
writers wife: *under her breath* ain’t that the truth
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”
Wife: WHY ARE YOU STANDING IN THE KITCHEN NAKED.
Me: Who cares? I’m on a conference call. No one can see.
Boss: Okay just a reminder for everyone to mute themselves.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
You don’t scare me. You’re not a trip to Costco on the weekend 10 days before Christmas.
me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
“I’m liking where this is going” I said, pointing to a potato chip making its way toward my face.
dr: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
dr: so how often is that?
me: *turning to 12* when were you born?
hacker: ready?
weapons guy: I was born ready
[25 years earlier]
doctor: it’s a boy!
midwife: where did he get nunchucks
I had the audacity to tell my kid to get their own snack and now I’m standing in the corner thinking about my actions.
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..