Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
You Might Also Like
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
Jokes on them. I took 10.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Whisper out to librarians!
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
Cannot stop laughing at this
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
what do you mean you’re the glamdalorian
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Me: Don’t eat that jalapeno.
1-year-old: *eats it*
*screams in pain*
Me: At least you learned your lesson.
1: *eats another one*
Haven’t exercised in so long that my Fitbit just sent me a friend request.
if food packaging listed side effects like drug labels do:
ice cream: intense pleasure followed by self loathing
kale: smug sense of superiority
bacon: bacon
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
Babies have no idea when one of them is cuter than the other. So you have to tell them