Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

An hour of interrogation later and the cat still has not revealed the location of the 4 missing puzzle pieces

[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”

I’m starting to get to the age where I need a well thought out plan in order to stand up.

People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”

It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

He’s like the ocean

Deep and dirty

Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.

🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine

Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆

me: point taken lol

guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening

I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.

WIFE: I got us this new candle
ME: sweet. What flavor is it?
W: don’t you mean ‘what scent is it?’
ME (with a mouthful of candle wax): What?

I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.

Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity

WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH

*hurls Scrabble board at you*

[uses your words against you]

I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.

I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head

Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.

Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends

The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.

I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”

Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.

Me: Okay.

Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.

And sorry about your neck hole.

I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.

”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”

*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day