[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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losing it at this lady preaching abstinence at LSU and the students just going buck wild
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I love when a company announces it “parted ways” with an executive, like they wistfully waved goodbye to each other at a foggy train station, instead of the guy being marched out the door by security with a box in his hands.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
me: i just don’t feel employable. no, beyond that. something is fundamentally broken or missing in me. i belong nowhere.
my landlord: Hey 😡👊 Don’t say that about my tenant 💔
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”
Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a “gym.”
Ok, I’ll bite
What’s an ab?
I refuse to pay all that money for CrossFit. If I want a man to scream at me in a garage, I can visit my dad
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Accidentally just knocked a lady over in Dominos Pizza. Well, I say one…
911: what’s your emergency
Me: I can’t find my lizard
911: do you have any details
Me: *holding tail* that’s how I lost it
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano
After having a backup camera, it’s really hard to not have one. Driving my daughter’s car and I just assume that I probably backed over a short person.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I HATE THE NEW NEIGHBOR
*wife sighs*
“Is this because his grill is bigger than yours”
*frantically duct taping 2 grills together*
NO
I always skip leg day at the gym. I keep my body proportionate by skipping every other day at the gym as well.
I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
Instead of calling myself a babysitter, I wanted to mix it up and be original, so I referred to myself as a “kid watcher.”
Yeah, don’t ever do that.
Boys will be boys. Girls will be girls. Koalas will be koalas. Just about everything will be the things they are. That’s how this works.
[haunted house]
Me: I’m terrified
Jessica: is it the rattling chairs
Erica: is it the bleeding doors
Sarah: is it the possessed portraits
Kate: is it the shaking coffins
Me: I’ve never spoken to this many girls before
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.