[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
My kid wants me to tell China that they should have camouflaged the balloon by painting it blue with clouds and stuff, and since she’s not wrong I’m wondering, do I write a letter or is there a phone number I can call
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
I made my wife sign a prenup because there was no way I was going to let her take half of my golden girls memorabilia collection.
[interview to be a valet]
me: hi nice to meet you i’m parker
interviewer: you’re hired
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
I bet in 2000 years they are gonna be digging up the rubble of our destroyed earth and they’ll find a Nokia still on half battery.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
*launders Kohls cash*
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”
One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.
Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
Son: Mom, can I get tiktok?
Me: OMG *whispering to wife* At his age shouldn’t he be calling it a clock by now?
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.