Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*dog pokes me with nose*

*stop, it’s late*

(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)

*ugh, ok*

[sets up poker table for him and his friends]

[creation of bats]

God: stretch out that mouse

The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.

Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster

An old natural remedy to soothe a broken heart is rubbing a jellyfish on it.

Okay so this is wild. I’m using this ticket machine in Japan and it malfunctions and doesn’t give me my change.

Suddenly, a panel in the wall opens in the wall and a guy appears and tells me to hold on and then gives me my change.

You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?

I wish I could do that for my life in general.

I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?

Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?

My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!

Sometimes when I’m about to sneeze, I snort some glitter. Then when I finally sneeze, glitter fills the air and people think I’m a wizard.

My wife suggested taking Ecstasy to help with sex and so far she’s banged three neighbors and the UPS guy

Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.

Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.

The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues

My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.

you want me to trust my instincts. the thing that convinced me to dye my hair black that one time

I am definitely too firmly grounded in the space-time continuum to park here

sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too

[texting]

Wife: Clean out your bowels.

Me: OK.

Wife: *bowls. The ones in the sink

Me: *chugging laxatives* Damn it.

If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.

Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.

A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.

Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.

[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important

A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.

Come on guys, lemme back in the gang! I’m real good at crimes!
“No”
Why?
“YOU GOT ARRESTED BY A POLICE HORSE CARL HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE”

CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up

ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up

The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.

me, angry: I’m LEAVING-

doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*

IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.