[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
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The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
gonna be honest, yes the bear story is odd… but also, I find nothing more relatable than making things worse by oversharing.
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
Kinda hypocritical of me to complain about people who send mixed signals seeing as the mat in front of my door says “welcome”…
Our power went out and it’s utterly humiliating how many times I tried to turn on the light so that I could find the flashlights because the power was out
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
How do you end an argument with a woman?
Tell her to calm down.
You’re dead now but the argument is over.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Playdates were invented to force parents into cleaning their home.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
My reaction to most music that has been released in the last ten years is “what did they just say?”
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”
not ‘nastiest’ but certainly one of the truest
Be yourself because I’ve already taken Oscar Wilde.
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay